I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within
- India Arie
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within
- India Arie
It's hard to explain how much of my identity has been tied to my hair. My whole life I have had long hair with one agonizing exception - when Mom got me a pixie at age 3. I have the pics to prove how agonizing that was.
Since then and all through my teens, twenties, thirties and yes, even my forties, I was girl with the long, blond-ish hair. During this time, something happened inside of me. A core belief formed that my hair was the only pretty thing I had going for me. I thought, "If I didn't have this long, pretty hair, no man would ever be interested." Surely, I wanted one to be interested so, at least I have my hair.
To add to this belief I had built up, many people over the years reinforced this idea that men really love the long hair. So, I held onto this hair. Thinking that to not have it would mean that I was less - less of a woman, less pretty, less deserving of love, less feminine.
I didn't know how deep these beliefs were hidden in my heart. They were wrong. But they were what I believed.
The thing about my Lord Jesus, is He is always challenging me to see myself differently. After all, I am a new creation in Him. He looks at my heart while men (and women) judge the outward appearance. He has been changing me on the inside. But on the outside, I was still the girl with the long hair believing it was my ticket to being beautiful.
A few years ago, I did make a big change and went red - a big change from my blonde! Here's the crazy thing...going through old pictures, I discovered my hair was red naturally when I was younger. So red became comfortable. But the red hair was still long-ish and still blond-ish too.
Then last year, I went through a metamorphosis and thanks to the grace of God, I met some great people from A Better Weigh and I lost 55 pounds. Surely now...with this long hair and being thinner than I've been since I was a teenager...surely now, my prince would come! Funny how the deep motives of our heart are exposed in times like this. I didn't know I had put God on a timetable and I had a great expectation attached to these big external changes I was making. Well God wasn't budging. Apparently, my long hair and skinnier frame hadn't convinced God that He needed to now jump through my hoops and make my dreams come true.
Now nearing the end of 2011, I have had to face more changes. Hot flashes, mood swings, trouble sleeping, feeling like I am crazy, irrationally hungry: Welcome to menopause. I am in the thick of that process and that, along with my weight loss has contributed to a drastic change in the texture of my hair. It's become so very thin that I was concerned.
And that's what landed me in my friends' salon yesterday ready to make a change. Well.. not really ready, but willing to try. My dear friends Dean and Mario assured me that my hair would look thicker darker and shorter and that I could really carry that look well. It would suit my complexion...yada...yada...yada. But I'm the girl with the long blondish hair...
So I got to the edge of that cliff and I jumped. The thing about hair is: the jump is reversible. But it's still a jump.
I wish I could tell you that I love it and all is well today. I wish I could tell you how beautiful I feel and confident and sexy. But the truth is, this was a big deal to me. I had nightmares all night and woke up wondering how I would get through this day being this new person. A new person without the long blondish hair. What could I possibly have going for me now?
Well, there is this truth about being a child of God. And the fact that I am so dearly loved by Him that He gave His life for me. And that He is doing a work inside of me. In fact, I am God's workmanship. His master work of art. I have to face the mirror today and grab hold of, maybe for the first time ever, the truth that who I am becoming on the inside is where my true beauty lies. I am forced to see myself differently today without the security blanket of that long blonde hair.
So...with trembling and tears sitting right on the brim, I go into this day with short dark hair. People will have opinions. They're allowed. And I will learn, trial by fire, to hold my head up and not live today as a prisoner to anyone's opinion but to truly seek the approval of my God. I should have been doing a better job of that all along- even as the girl with the long blondish hair.
I am still Tracey. And who I am...is not my hair.
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Love you Tracey! I love who you really are! God did an awesome job in creating you, and you are doing an awesome job being His creation. Hugs to you! <3
~ Lisa
p.s. - I love the new hair. :)
Thank you for sharing your words and your heart. I am not my hair, either. Neither is my friend Sandy who I will be flying to Ct. to see this weekend with some other dear friends. Sandy has lost her hair twice b/c of breast cancer treatments and is now at the end of her fight against this disease. Going to share this with her tomorrow. Thanks for being a blessing, Tracey.
A great read. You look fantastic.
Hi Tracey,
Your hair looks lovely. Yes it is shorter than what is in your other pictures. However, it looks great, I love the color...it looks SASSY!
Judi
BTW, I love your blouse :)
Take it from someone who currently has just peachfuzz from chemo treatment, we ARE NOT our hair.
You look great!!!!
Kim
Wow (in a totally good way)! No trembling or tears from you Tracey...you are a new creation (literally!) and it looks beautiful! Your words and heart are beautiful and touching. You inspire me. I totally think you should make a line of t-shirts that say, "I AM NOT MY HAIR!" hehe. Love you Tracey!
Joanna (the puddle stomping, restaurant plate stacking gal). lol
Thanks for sharing from the heart, Tracey. I got my hair cut last weekend, and I'm not pleased with it, but you know what? It will grow out and I'll try again!!
BTW - you look fantastic!
I identified with everything you wrote. In my case, I was raised by a mother who insisted on long hair. She had already ruined her four daughters' self-esteem at a very early age, but somehow we thought if we just kept our hair long we would somehow finally please her. A woman's hair is her glory, etc. Well, now her four daughters are 54, 49, 49 (twins), and 42 (that would be me). We all four have "short" hair. Mine is just under my shoulders, but having grown up with to the mid-back or to the waist long hair, getting it cut the first time was drastic. It was as if a limb were being removed. And yet, it was freeing! I literally felt like a "weight" had been lifted off my head. Not only did I no longer have to spend time curling, styling, spraying my hair every morning (with several touch-ups throughout the day), I could run my fingers through it, spray a little, and just go about my day. I was no longer tied to this image of what a woman is supposed to look like, I was no longer tied to the past, and as I had already begun in other ways to emotionally disconnect from my mother, I was no longer tied to her. She still physically cringes and gives that ever so disappointing look when she sees any of us with short hair, but that's her, and well, this is...me. You look great, I hope you feel great about your new haircut, too!
The hair looks Great!!! You can relax... You are truly beautiful,outside as well as inside!
We Love You Tracey!
You look BEAUTIFUL Tracey!! And my biggest living inspiration in this world is the beautiful Joyce Meyer and all her lack of hair!!! LOL
Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Suh-WEET! You also look at least 10 years younger....and if I were 10 years younger......oh well....love your spirit young lady. 8-)
Tracey it is darling! Your hair enhances your sweet face. Thank you for being so transparent and taking us on your journey. You look great!
Tracey,
You're a ROCKSTAR!! I actually like this new look, it's kind of edgy and sassy all in one. You go, girl! =) Not to mention, your personality always shines through so no need to worry about the hair. Even if you had gone with the crew cut, you would've rocked that too.
I LOVE YOUR HAIR!!! Love it, Love it... I too lost 50lbs and did something different with my hair. I went out and got a perm. It's really, really curly but that's okay. I love it and I know that God loves it too. By the way, your play list this morning matched my I pod play list almost to the T. I listen to Christin music all the time even when I'm running/working out. It helps me get through my 4mile run everyday. God's music really inspires me. It helps me get through those though work outs. Shelly
Tracey thank you so much for posting your heart! I'm 22 and although I have a lot yet to experience, for so long I have put a lot of my worth in how I've looked or how I've performed in life. The truth is that our worth IS NOT based on anything other than what our God thinks. And He thinks soooo much of us that He sent His son to die.. And Jesus did it! That's really all that matters and this message is extremely necessary for everyone of all ages. Love you, my sister in Christ. And thank you again for the humility to show your own vulnerability for other to grow in their walk :)
Karalisa =]
New hair style looks great.
I am struggling whether to let my hair go gray or keep coloring it. Many years ago an older aunt told me not to let my hair go gray because when you look in the mirror you will feel old. So I took her advice and color my hair. I am praying about that now.
Your transparency remains one of your most beautiful attributes. What struck me about your blog is how the myth of what men find attractive and important and valuable in women is so important to women. I wonder if that is solely an American thing or if women all over the world care so much about men think. The man that God has for you is the man that sees you – not your hair, not your weight, not your position – just you. Your sweet spirit and the love of Christ the SHINES through you will bring to you what God has for you.
And not for nothing, the shorter, darker hair happens to look lovely and healthier.
Travey!!!
You really ARE a "True Beauty" (I promise that was not a shameless album plug)! I've known it about you since the moment we met. You are one of those beauties that shine from the inside out because of the Holy Spirit's presence in your heart. And probably because of what is so evident to others, the enemy would want to convince you it is all about the outside. Well take THAT devil! Here is a victory for God as He shows you where your true beauty lies...and wow! Your hair is gorgeous too! I love you, my friend! Disa
Lovely! You just took another step in growing towards God, by letting one more eartly thing go, so smile, you made God smile, and wear your hair as a trophe! And despite of our physical changes, God still recognises us.
You are truly beautiful, Tracey! I love your new look, which is gorgeous, but I especially admire you because you have put into words the struggle of so many women. I love hearing and observing your transformation process. Thanks for sharing it! Tara B.
Dear Tracey -
The really cool thing is - in a week or two - it will REALLY be YOUR hair --- you'll find the way YOU do it in the AM (OR NOT --another advantage)will be slightly different and uniquely YOU!
Patty
I love it!!!! It even makes you look younger!
On of our elders called us (believers), God's bling. Then I found Malachi 3:17 - "And they shall be mine, says the LORD of hosts, in that day when I make up my jewels; and I will spare them, as a man spares his own son that serves him." NKJ
We are His jewels, His bling! and trust me, He isn't referring to your hair length. He is referring to you, the real you. The one that gives up your life to let Him live through you.
Tracey
The light of God that shines in you is who you really are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and since God does all things well, you are just as you should be.
Be blessed
Love it!!!
O.K. Tracey, it's like you're reading my mail! I'm 43 and recently decided to let the hair go! It's short...for me, but I learned to absolutely love it! I have the hot flashes thing going on too, and unfortunately, I 've been on the quest still to lose 70-80lbs! I am taking a health and fitness class in a local community college and while trying to avoid heavy fats, sweets and calories...I feel starved! I've invented allkinds of health meals...veggie sandwiches, hot salads (heated in a pan on cold mornings) but I keep having hunger. I incorporated a little feta, almonds, yogurt...not feeling good. To top it off...feel like I'm in a mid-life crisis! My teeth never had the braces they needed..can't afford them! Stains exist on them from antibiotics over the years, and my wisdom teeth were never pulled...too late! Then, on Sunday, during worship, getting lost in the Lord's wonder and beauty, I felt beautiful...in Him, and remembered that in heaven, we will all be perfect. I'm ok. I'm pretty, but not extraordinary! Yet I have all I need. God loves me...so glad because that won't change! Your hair looks fantastic!!! I'm happy for you to take that brave step! It's all good! God bless!
I used to have nice hair, but now am very balding. Sad for me at times. But the truth of our Lord, and His forgiveness for my condemnation really helps my pettiness of worring about myself; though I still do it.
Here's a worship song I listened to this morning that may lift you up to our Lord's thrown as well. Be blessed in this great hymn of truth and adoration, and exhaltation!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/eHVtR8A9QXs
Love the cut! Love the color!! I too just cut 5 inches off of my long brown hair (that has to be dyed every 5 weeks to avoid gray roots showing - but I'm not ready to go "that" natural). I'm 46 now and decided that my beauty comes from having God in my heart. But I'm hoping God is okay with me still coloring/covering the gray that He blessed me with. :)
Thanks for always making me smile in the morning. Sometimes I think you are talking just to me!!