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False Start (noun) - 1. an invalid start to a race usually due to a competitor beginning before the official signal has been given
2. An unsuccessful attempt to begin something
Hi friends,
I have been pondering the definition of a false start and wondering which applies to me. When this new year began, I was full of hope but apparently that's not all I was full of. I stated I was beginning again with my fitness goals. I was going to do the 30 day shred workout program again. I was going to go back on the Daniel's fast again. I was going to be disciplined, strong, and victorious and finally, finish this thing I started 2 years ago. I have made so much progress. Lost nearly 50 pounds from where I began 2 years ago and last year, really broke through with the exercise and weight loss finally being noticeable in losing 4 sizes.
This is great right? However, at the end of last year, I started to feel a lapse in my momentum. I was tired. Tired of eating nothing but salads and nuts. Tired of working out so hard every day. Just tired. So I gave myself some grace. A day here, a day there... Be careful when you give yourself grace. It can become an excuse, a license to do whatever you want. In fact, what I am learning about myself and about grace, is that I should not be the one giving grace to myself. God is the grace- giver.
Grace by definition is the unmerited favor of God. How can I give that to myself? I don't believe that we understand the principle of denying the flesh that Jesus talks about. Instead, we say things like, "don't deprive yourself, you did well, you deserve a treat, etc..." We don't want to deny the flesh. We want to give ourselves grace. And when I decide to give myself grace, what happens is a misuse of something that is holy. As I put off my plan of exercise and diet, whatever it may be, I slowly lull myself into this place of complacency, where my flesh decides what it will do and my spirit is the thing that's being denied.
I am not trying to beat myself up here- I am trying to grow up here. I want to understand myself and the things that trip me up from making positive changes in my life. I don't have it all figured out. But I do know this. I have had a few false starts this year and it's only January 17th. So I paused to pray and examine my motives again and ask God if perhaps I got ahead of HIs signal to start. The answer is yes. I wasn't ready in my spirit. I had not fully committed this to Him. I had not thought through what His goals for me might be, and surrendered my unhealthy motives.
Instead, I was excited about the "date" of the new year and just wanted to jump in, and finish this thing. Plus, I think I got a bit self-sufficient. I thought, "I've done this before, I know I can do it". Forgetting that it was because of God's help, I was able to make progress- not just sheer strength of will and discipline.
So today, I have found something that I had lost and I believe it will help me begin again. I found the reverence for the process. I am not just magically healed from my struggle of weight issues. I must work at this. I must approach it again with a healthy sense of fear and dependance on my God. One day at a time- one decision at a time. I can't "will" myself to succeed. I can't give myself grace.
But I can and I will call on God to help me begin again and ask Him for His grace. So with fear and trembling and a commitment to share my journey authentically.. and an understanding that denying my flesh is not optional.. I begin again. January 18th, 2010. I know it's not the 1st of the month and I may have to do some math to figure out numbers along the way... How about you?
Humbled,
Tracey
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