Hi friends,
Have you ever had high hopes about something, great expectations... that just didn't turn out the way you planned? We all have, right? This is a hard thing for me to write about, but I wanted to share with you. As you know, I got a beautiful labradoodle puppy in March of last year. I named him Benton Marquis, Benny for short, taking the middles names of my father and my step-father who died recently. It was my first experience raising a puppy and I was so excited about it.
Benny won my heart quickly and I adapted my busy lifestyle to be here for him. I knew that it wouldn't be easy, so I wanted to educate myself and learn all I could about being a dog owner. I took Benny to obedience classes, I had private sessions as well. I read books, I watched dvd's by Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer. I listened to books on audio and I did a lot of praying. And I had wonderful support from Benny's breeder all along the way. With all that investment, I thought for sure I'd be able to handle my Benny, but it just didn't work out the way I had hoped.
It turns out, that I am just not a strong pack leader. Dogs need to understand who's in charge and where their place in the pack is, and there are special techniques to help train them to understand that YOU are the pack leader and THEY are to submit to you. My Benny was sweet fun-loving, full of energy, and had a very strong conviction that HE was MY pack leader! I worked so hard to try to correct this, but I was unsuccessful. This made living with Benny pretty miserable for me. He was testing me all the time and there was never a moment at home when Benny would just settle down and lay at my feet. Oh how I longed for a moment like that! The funny thing is, Benny and I were best buds when we were out of the house. I would take him for long walks and runs, I would take him out for drives in the car, or visiting friends. He was a wonderful companion to be with.. as long as we were out of my house. Inside, he was still always a sweet dog, but was completely convinced he was the boss of me. And honestly, I never got a handle on it. It broke my heart to make the decision to return Benny to his wonderful breeder. It was so painful for me, that I haven't been able to write or talk about it for some time. But the time has come that I just thought I should let you know.
I don't personally know all of you, but for 5 years now, you've allowed me the privilege of coming into your life through the radio and you've allowed me to be a part of your day. It's the unique thing about being in radio. We get to connect in very real ways as you've shared your lives with me, your joys and burdens, funny moments and tender ones too.. and your prayers. And you've allowed me to share my life with you. You were so kind and caring when I lost my father and step-father this past year. And you all were so encouraging and supportive about my decision to get a dog. It does feel like we're friends.
So my friends, for all of you who have been asking, "how's Benny?", he's doing just fine. He is currently with his breeder, (Eden Valley Labradoodles) who have become my friends- Pam and Dave McCarl. These gracious, lovely people offered to take him back and were so understanding. Sometimes these things don't work, sometimes it's just a mis-match of personalities. And there's nothing you can do to fix it. I admit I felt so ashamed and sad that I just couldn't get the hang of it and "make" Benny listen to me. But I have learned so much through this experience that I have no regrets.
I learned that sometimes you can love someone or something with your whole heart and do all you can to make it work, but there is no guarantee that they will love you back the way that you want. I know Benny loves me so very much, and I just adore him, but we aren't necessarily a good match for each other. I also learned that my correction isn't always strong enough. When someone mistreats me, I have not always stood up for myself and let them know that it was unacceptable. Pets can teach us so much about ourselves and Benny taught me a lot.
I went to visit Benny last week and he is doing so well now. In the home of a loving family where everyone knows how to be a pack leader, Benny knows his place and is thriving, contented and happy. He is a wonderful dog and I will never regret caring for him and loving him. He is in the best place now until he is matched with his forever home.
I wish it could have worked out, but the Lord grew my heart in the process. Giving love is always worth it. It really is.
Thanks for your love and support. And when you think of it, pray for me.. that my heart will continue to heal, learn and grow through this experience. So it looks like I'm really not a good pack-leader... And I'm ok with that.
Much Love,
Tracey
Posts
Hey, I listen to you almost daily. Love your love for Christ!
Woa, Tracey, I totally thought you were going to lead into a spiritual parallel with the recounting of this event. Especially when you started talking about how Benny thought HE was the pack leader and wouldn't settle down and lay at your feet like a submissive dog.
The whole time I was thinking - that's me! Too often I don't let God be my "pack leader" and in turn, He isn't blessed by my presence and as able to love me as fully as He so intensely desires.
Then, when I'm out and about doing my own thing I almost take advantage of His goodness and kindness (beauty, friends, provisions, etc.). I "tug on my leash" so to speak. I don't often enough allow Him to just "hold" me and "pet" me. In other words, minister to my heart. when I'm disobedient or just plain ornery I completely miss it. I miss out.
Of course, the beautiful difference here is that God doesn't throw up his hands in frustration and give us up. He's ever there, sitting in His cozy armchair with an open lap.
I'm so, so sorry about your loss of Benny. I've never owned a pet (besides goldfish, and even they didn't last long!) so I can't empathize in that way. Cesar Milan blows me away! He but looks at a dog and it falls into submission!
I do hope one day you will find another companion....perhaps even of the slightly less furry variety and more of the tall, dark, handsome category. A friend of ours is getting hitched this spring as a result of eHarmony, so don't give up! :)
Tracey,
Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Carla
That does sound like a very difficult decision to make and then write about. But you don't have to give up on dogs totally, do you? I think there is a dog somewhere out there for you. We got the most wonderful dog from the Humane Society 3 years ago. She was so skinny, and ugly, and just pitiful but to see her now is just wonderful. Don't give up, ok?
Tracey, I'm so sorry You and precious Benny weren't compatiable. Please don't let this discourage you from trying again some time.Dogs can bring so much joy!!!! I also want to thank you, Mike, Dave ,Chris and Erin for being a incrediable blessing to me. You're with me as I drive to work each day, to teach 40 precious , and patience testing 4 year olds. By the time I get there, I'm feeling so full of the Holy Spirit. I crank up the radio and sing, sing and sing. When I notice someone looking at me like I'm crazy, I just smile and wave. You guys ALWAYS make me laugh. At the end of my day, I take Chris and Erin with me to get me ready for home. I never know what I'll face whwn I walk through the door. My family has been going through a very difficult storm for a long time. Thanks to all of you for the blessings, Love, Humor and inspiration. Your love for Jesus always shines!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tracey ~
thanks for opening your life up to all of us and for your wisdom. you hit the nail on the head when you said, "I learned that sometimes you can love someone or something with your whole heart and do all you can to make it work, but there is no guarantee that they will love you back the way that you want." this is true of ALL relationships... thank you again for sharing your life and experience.....
love ya sister
Diana
Tracey,
That must have been the hardest decision ever! Thanks for being so willing to open up your heart like that! Having three dogs, I can't imagine having to make a decision like that. I know God has a plan for you and for Benny and I know He will see you through this tough time. And I know He will be watching over Benny all of his days!
Liz Carper
Trinity Lutheran Church
Joppa, Maryland
Tracey,
Thank you so much for sharing. It must be difficult having a job where strangers are always asking about your personal life, regardless of how well-meaning. Thanks for being patient with us, your listeners. We, too, feel like we're friends. After all, you are my sister in Christ! I have problems being a "leader" also. Have problems getting promotions because I'm too passive. Don't know if it's a help to you, but I've had great success with Pekingese. They don't require a lot of exercise, are intelligent and are easy to train. Whatever you decide, all your listener friends are on your side and praying for you.
Darlene
Tracey,
Thanks for sharing your story. I was about to get a dog for Christmas but I prayed about it because I knew it was going to be a responsibility. I looked at breeders and the more I prayed, the more I realized I was not ready for a dog. My sister was very disappointed because she really wanted me to have a dog for companionship but I had to be honest with her that I was not ready for the responsibility.
I hope and pray that you will become a pack leader one day.
God Bless
Hey Trace,
I know that giving Benny up had to be one of the hardest things ever, but the most important thing is that Benny went to a good home. I know people mean well when they tell you to get another dog but I am sure your schedule is very busy and some dogs have such a hard time when there masters leave the house. My parents have always had dogs but as much as I would like to have one I figured I would wait till I retire so I can spend more time with my compainion. I love your show and you are such a blessing to so many out there that hear you. God is using all of you so mightly. PS I am glad to hear that you still get to pay visits to your little Benny.
Take care and God bless all of you.
Dear Tracey,
Thanks so much for sharing your life with us. I can always relate to you and feel such a connection and friendship with you also. You are so genuine and "real" that it inspires me to be more "real" in my life. I love your optimism and encouragement. And, I can feel your pain as you share your tough times with us also. You help so many people just by being honest and sharing with us. I always think that this is the way God wants it to be in church also, but I'm still trying to find that kind of church relationship. I know I have to do my part by being real and open with people I meet at church, but I'm still working on that. So thank you for being such an inspiration to me. Love, Sarah
hey tracey,
i really feel your heart on this one and i know that you did what was best for Benny. My friend just got a labradoodle and i know how fluffy headed they can be and yes, if you are not strong with them they will do whatever they want. there are other dogs that would probably be a better fit for you if you ever want to try again. i hope that you eventually will. Dogs are great :) but so are you :) and i love listening to you guys, it's like you're in my car with me:) take care
Hi, Tracey,
There are those dogs that always try to be dominant and if they are stubbron, an even harder struggle. Bless you and your breeders for understanding and adopting a solution that meets the animals needs as well as your own. My youngest dog have been in this love-hate relationship for nearly 8 years. I always say I'm glad she wasn't my first. Continue to pray and see if another canine companion is right for your life. You seem to be one of these caring people that can appreciate the joys such a "partner" can bring.
Helen Blakey