I AM NOT MY HAIR

Share

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within
- India Arie

It's hard to explain how much of my identity has been tied to my hair. My whole life I have had long hair with one agonizing exception - when Mom got me a pixie at age 3. I have the pics to prove how agonizing that was.

Since then and all through my teens, twenties, thirties and yes, even my forties, I was girl with the long, blond-ish hair. During this time, something happened inside of me. A core belief formed that my hair was the only pretty thing I had going for me. I thought, "If I didn't have this long, pretty hair, no man would ever be interested." Surely, I wanted one to be interested so, at least I have my hair.

To add to this belief I had built up, many people over the years reinforced this idea that men really love the long hair. So, I held onto this hair. Thinking that to not have it would mean that I was less - less of a woman, less pretty, less deserving of love, less feminine.

I didn't know how deep these beliefs were hidden in my heart. They were wrong. But they were what I believed.

The thing about my Lord Jesus, is He is always challenging me to see myself differently. After all, I am a new creation in Him. He looks at my heart while men (and women) judge the outward appearance. He has been changing me on the inside. But on the outside, I was still the girl with the long hair believing it was my ticket to being beautiful.

A few years ago, I did make a big change and went red - a big change from my blonde! Here's the crazy thing...going through old pictures, I discovered my hair was red naturally when I was younger. So red became comfortable. But the red hair was still long-ish and still blond-ish too.

Then last year, I went through a metamorphosis and thanks to the grace of God, I met some great people from A Better Weigh and I lost 55 pounds. Surely now...with this long hair and being thinner than I've been since I was a teenager...surely now, my prince would come! Funny how the deep motives of our heart are exposed in times like this. I didn't know I had put God on a timetable and I had a great expectation attached to these big external changes I was making. Well God wasn't budging. Apparently, my long hair and skinnier frame hadn't convinced God that He needed to now jump through my hoops and make my dreams come true.

Now nearing the end of 2011, I have had to face more changes. Hot flashes, mood swings, trouble sleeping, feeling like I am crazy, irrationally hungry: Welcome to menopause. I am in the thick of that process and that, along with my weight loss has contributed to a drastic change in the texture of my hair. It's become so very thin that I was concerned.

And that's what landed me in my friends' salon yesterday ready to make a change. Well.. not really ready, but willing to try. My dear friends Dean and Mario assured me that my hair would look thicker darker and shorter and that I could really carry that look well. It would suit my complexion...yada...yada...yada. But I'm the girl with the long blondish hair...

So I got to the edge of that cliff and I jumped. The thing about hair is: the jump is reversible. But it's still a jump.

I wish I could tell you that I love it and all is well today. I wish I could tell you how beautiful I feel and confident and sexy. But the truth is, this was a big deal to me. I had nightmares all night and woke up wondering how I would get through this day being this new person. A new person without the long blondish hair. What could I possibly have going for me now?

Well, there is this truth about being a child of God. And the fact that I am so dearly loved by Him that He gave His life for me. And that He is doing a work inside of me. In fact, I am God's workmanship. His master work of art. I have to face the mirror today and grab hold of, maybe for the first time ever, the truth that who I am becoming on the inside is where my true beauty lies. I am forced to see myself differently today without the security blanket of that long blonde hair.

So...with trembling and tears sitting right on the brim, I go into this day with short dark hair. People will have opinions. They're allowed. And I will learn, trial by fire, to hold my head up and not live today as a prisoner to anyone's opinion but to truly seek the approval of my God. I should have been doing a better job of that all along- even as the girl with the long blondish hair.

I am still Tracey. And who I am...is not my hair.