Surviving Bathing Suit Shopping

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I was in the dressing room at Nordstrom's the other day doing something that has long been a painful thing for me-trying on bathing suits. I have been in process of working hard to lose the extra pounds so while I may be about 13 pounds lighter than I was about 2 months ago, it is still far from where I'd like to be.

The odd thing though, was, that this time, I wasn't depressed about it. I was trying on suits, laughing at the different angles I saw in the mirror, and really checking myself out. With both eyes open. And here's the thing. I was actually enjoying the fact that, though this body isn't the body of a super model, it's served me well and I feel healthy right now and for that, I am truly thankful.

I have had my moments of despair in fitting rooms, but this wasn't one of them. I marveled at it, really. I still don't have a man in my life, as much as I'd like to be married one day. I don't have someone telling me I'm beautiful and I hang out with many people who are much younger and thinner than I am.. but still.. right now, I am feeling good. Blessed. Strong. Loved by God. It can be a fragile, fleeting feeling, this feeling of joy in the fitting room... And I was curious about it as I was taking my picture in this bathing suit that I was thinking of buying.

Just then, I heard a sound coming from the fitting room next to mine. I thought it was someone laughing at first, but I quickly realized, the woman in the room next to mine was crying. Softly at first, but then her tears became gut wrenching sobs. I felt my heart just ache for her, like someone had kicked me in the gut. I put my hand on the wall between us and I prayed. Then I spoke.

"Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?", I asked her. She said, trying to speak through her sobs, "No. Thank you. I'm just being ridiculous." I said, "No you're not." Then trying to lighten the mood I said, " Trying on bathing suits always makes me cry too". She said, "yeah that's it." And she continued to gasp for air as she wept. I stepped outside the fitting room and stood in front of her door, not knowing what to do, but so wanting to help her.

She eventually stepped outside the fitting room and I was shocked by what I saw. In front of me, there was a very petite woman, who couldn't have been bigger than a size 6. She was pretty, even with her swollen eyes. She came out and thanked me, and just fell into my arms. I held her while she cried a little more, and then she looked at me and said, "I should just be thankful I'm healthy." "Are you healthy? Are you ok?", I asked. "Yes I'm fine", she said.

Clearly she wasn't fine. She left the fitting room and went on her way but I haven't been able to get her off my mind. I felt the Lord speak directly to me. "It's never about the size, Tracey. It's about the question that hasn't been answered." Am I beautiful? Am I valuable? Am I loveable?

And for many women, that question burns within them, and holds them hostage to a bad self-image that no human being can fix. People can tell her, you're beautiful. You look great. But if the one she loves doesn't tell her, she'll never believe it. I wondered what wounded her to make her believe a lie.

Those fitting rooms with their bad lighting and unforgiving mirrors that catch every inch of us, can be just a little too much to take unless we have already had our question answered and settled before we go in. I think I may be on my way to that kind of healing...daring to believe that I am indeed fearfully and wonderfully made in every size I've been and will ever hope to be. Why else would the Lord put me next to that precious woman and for once, I wasn't the one crying?

Is your question answered by the One who knows everything about you, who knit you together in your mother's womb? Has it been settled in your spirit once and for all.. that you are His masterpiece? His poem? Dear sisters.. never leave it up to any man to answer a question of your value and worth. A man shouldn't have to handle that kind of pressure or power. And don't let that question be answered by the standards of our image-conscious culture, or the lighting and mirrors in the fitting room at Nordstrom's.

And please girlfriends... Never assume that the beautiful girl you see at the pool, that all the guys are checking out, and who looks perfect to you, actually feels that way on the inside. Don't hate her. Because It's never about the size. It's about the question.

Even if the guys aren't, you can be assured that God is checking you out. And He's looking somewhere else. "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart". (1 Sam.16:7)

I believe my heart looks incredible in a bathing suit. Question answered.

In His Love,
Tracey